Going to a child psychologist can often be the great decision of our lives to be able to accompany and raise our sons and daughters in an optimal and comforting way. These are my great learnings after a year going.
Less and less, it is true, but there are still many people reluctant to put themselves in the hands of a psychology professional. It is still difficult for us to do so to take care of our mental health and also when it comes to asking for help in raising and supporting our children. Fortunately, the writer of this realized in time, thanks to the insistence of those around him, that going to a child psychologist can not only be good for a son or daughter whom we feel we are not capable of helping as they need, but also It is for oneself, often overwhelmed by the stress, anger, frustration and mental fatigue that comes with parenting when it is not turning out satisfactory.
I have a daughter of those called by psychologists “with a lot of character”. It is not what we use on the street to say that someone has a “bad temper” or that they tend to jump at the slightest chance. This is something much more technical, described by psychology professionals in books, articles, interviews, and informative posts. Little ones with a lot of character are a constant challenge for those of us who live with them, who must understand how their mind works and what their personality is like to turn the tables when it comes to communicating and relating with them in an optimal way. And that is where psychological help is worth its weight in gold.
It is not the objective of this article to delve into children with a lot of character; It is simply the introduction or context to what I am going to share below: the five most valuable tips or tricks that I have obtained from my regular visit (with my partner and always without my daughter, at least until now) to a child psychologist. These are pieces of advice that add to the inestimable positive impact that going has had on my mental health, especially when it comes to controlling the consequences of a new failure in supporting my little daughter.
The anticipation of what is to come
The first useful piece of advice we received from our psychologist was anticipation. In general, it helps all boys and girls to know what comes next, in the short term. This is especially important for a shy girl with a lot of character like ours, who at home brings out everything that she contains in public.
Well, since we applied the advice, she deals with unknown situations much better. For example, we tell her the plan for the day or the weekend in the morning: we talk about it, we answer her questions and we give her references, especially visual ones. If she is going to a house she doesn't know or with people, she doesn't remember, we try to show her a photo. So with everything we do, to the extent possible obviously.
I highly recommend, if you don't already do it, that you try to include it as a habit and routine in your daily family life. It helps the little ones a lot.
In fact, anticipating what is coming for children is beneficial for them for many reasons. First, it can give them greater security than they can expect in their environment. This reduces anxiety and stress, which, in turn, promotes better emotional development. It also helps them develop planning and organization skills, which are essential for life. And, in addition to all this, it promotes the ability to adapt to different changes or situations.
Not getting down to their level
With a girl with a lot of character, the worst thing you can do is get down to her level. This is not literal, obviously, because bending over to talk to her is still effective and advisable, as with any other child. It refers to the tone of voice and the way of speaking to us.
Avoiding the shout and the hierarchical response, without argument or explanation, is a triumph. It is very difficult to achieve this because the tantrums of such a person can be very intense, long, and repetitive. You can spend the whole day from anger to anger, and they don't last five minutes.
The only thing you get, at least this is what happens to our daughter, is that she gets even angrier because she feels like she can't do what she wants without receiving an explanation in return. And children with a lot of character tend to be very autonomous and very determined in their desires and decisions, from a very young age. Anger takes control of his behavior, like in 'Inside Out', and then he shuts it down and lets go.
Therefore, staying calm is essential, always legitimizing your wishes first and giving them the corresponding explanations. And if it causes a lot, it is best to ignore it unless you are putting yourself in danger. When he sees that he is not achieving his goal, he will stop doing it. This tip links to the third on this list.
Do not insist on nervous tics
Our daughter, when she gets angry and loses control, provokes. She undresses, throws her glasses twenty times, and does things that she knows drive us crazy like kicking the walls of the house to intentionally dirty them, or she tries to cross the street if the tantrum doesn't happen at home. These are just some examples. Of these, we should only act in those where her health is at risk, since if we ask her to stop kicking the wall, for example, she will do it more or the anger will increase. It's not easy, I know, that's why we have needed and need the help of our psychologist to go case by case and learn (and let off steam). And if she hits us, by the way, we must draw the line for her by letting her know that we are going to defend ourselves, and showing it. Of course, there are limits also for these types of boys and girls.
On the other hand, his shyness and nervousness lead him to express it in nervous tics. He scratches himself impulsively, gets hangnails on his hands, says that something hurts when it doesn't or sucks his lips over and over again. The latter, for example, reached the point of requiring him to take antibiotics once he stopped taking them, which caused him to become infected.
So, from the psychologist, we learned that if we avoid telling her not to do it and control our impulse to do it, by downplaying it, she will stop doing it. As if by magic, this has been the case in many examples. From throwing away the glasses to the lips, without going any further.
Rethink and replace the “no”
Another very useful tip that can be applied not only with strong-willed boys and girls is to control the use of “no”. Sometimes it is necessary and there is no other option, but it is much more effective to look for an alternative. Legitimize what they want or think, or what they are doing if that is their wish, but instead of telling them that they are going to hurt themselves or that that cannot be done or said, offer them an alternative. Use positive language, in other words.
Replacing the use of "no" and using positive language when talking to our children has multiple advantages in their development. One of the most important is that it encourages more effective and empathetic communication between the members of the conversation. Instead of simply prohibiting our little ones, positive language offers them alternatives and solutions, which stimulates problem-solving and critical thinking in children.
In addition, it helps establish a more harmonious and less conflictive environment, which strengthens the relationship between parents and children.
The little ones' predisposition to listen, and even more so if they have a lot of character, will be greater if we do not begin our communication with them through denial. It is very difficult to assimilate this habit learned with the child psychologist, but it is well worth the effort to achieve it.
Separate the sisters
As a happy family that we believe ourselves to be (and we are, fortunately), we try to make many plans together. And, like everything in life when it exceeds what is recommended, we were wrong in thinking of not separating them beyond the circumstances in which it was mandatory to do so. They're only two years apart, so it was easy not to do it.
Little ones with brothers and sisters need their personal space and their moment of being “only children . Ours, not just the one with the most character, have been very grateful since we decided to separate them more often. Of course, it is healthy advice for the family climate and also has a positive impact on a personal level on the girls and on their relationship as sisters.
It is important that each sibling has an individual space with their parents to strengthen the bond between parents and children. Having these exclusive moments contributes to more personalized attention and more open communication. Thus, we can better understand the needs, interests, and concerns of each of our little ones. And above all, we can strengthen the emotional connection and trust between each other.
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